fourth of Julyn

woke up in painful headache

advil doesn't seem to cure me at all

hurt,hurt,hurt...

done and done

Just like that.
It was worse than I thought it would be
It was just exactly how I had felt but I guess I was running away from it, put behind to reality.
fearful to admit. feel like sort of, I did let it go which did not belong to me.whole this time.
Despite I knew there would never be something there, I was honestly always wishing, something would be built,eventually. Now I am left alone being confused, lonely..I don't know.
same time, ironically its all for good. I could not take first action and was never going to, so I guess, It kinda did itself, instead of me doing. at least, I wouldn't be the one later, regret what I did. I was basically put in where I got no choice but letting go. I am feeling headache. I cried but stopped. and being able to write down
I am speaking to no one but myself. hope it is best for now. I just called friend and set up for hanging out
I need to be distracted just for tonight otherwise I will just be screwed. I do not want time-consuming anymore, think it reached enough already.. all I can do for now is stay strong and move on.

++

its becoming a big pressure which really shouldn't be.

despite of knowing I am on the right track, i feel like I am walking through nowhere 

always long for being strong without knowing what it takes.

it is going to be just okay. after all it will all turn out good. so don't frustrate yourself you just keep moving on

yes. yes. yes. why everything just happen to hit and drag me to the corner at once though.I mean all together.

hope tomorrow will be a better day with better sophie

.

officially dating.
"what do you like about our relationship?"

"Sex is really good, I like you visiting my family, I like your company and I like to hang out with you sometimes"
"but really, great sex is what keeps me going"
"I don't want to be alone"
"I think you like me more than I do"
"so, you don't have the feelings I do towards you"
"No, I don't have a strong feeling for you, but a little one"
"Why do you kiss and rub me like if you do have feelings for me, I thought you did"
"well, I like women's body it feels good"
"when you told me you were falling for me, is it also just to bring my emotion out?"
"I am not answering that"
"it is really important to me, just tell me yes"
"it may not, nah  I am not telling you"
"Are you falling for me?"
"yes, I am"
"why you seem like you will never see me again?"
"I am actually kind of thinking of that"
"why?"
"I like you, I mean like like you. I don't know if it is love because I never felt love before, and don't know what it is. but there are more than one things what I like about dating with you besides sex"
"I was thinking leaving you in knowing it would hurt me more and more, if I keep being together with someone who doesn't feel about me the same way I do. It already hurts me. plus I have done sex partner thing and I am sick of it. I don't want to meet someone only for sex anymore. I am really confused what I should do right now"
"I am sure I will be in pain if I leave you and can't see you but at the same time I am afraid getting hurt due to my expectation towards you"
"I don't really know what to do"

#2

I can't believe my best friend is in NYC. I am dying to get a flight right away nevertheless, considering school and money wouldn't let me.it really sucks.

Hold on to it

"I have never cried or wanted to cry for anyone besides my family,
but when I looked at your pic from the trip it makes me cry knowing that I wont see you again either"

"why am I crying I don't believe in love after on month!"

"You know they say that it takes a lot of people to lose someone
before they realize how much they care about them and all I could think about was
some other guy making you cry which made me cry"

"I want to go everywhere with you back to Austin, San Antonio, Gavelston everywhere!"

"I am happy again"

#1

Easy comes, Easy goes.
it would have been done anyway.

ever changing.

The circulation I've been stuck for forever, long to get rid of.
Irony hidden is that no matter how many times I get stuck with this circulation,
I would never get used to being stuck and find the way to get out.

don't leave me high and dry

beautiful memories.

earlier today Bret moved out and left houston which obviously led us to break up.nothing was wrong between us, it just had to do with his circumstance. recently we both cried a lot.until last moment, we cried hugging each other. sometimes we gotta let things go..it is very tough though.I am really hoping things around him gets better. I miss him already in my hands, apartment, bed, car, everywhere in knowing it is over. there is no way we see each other again, at least for a while. what we had was so beautiful. I had not felt the way I felt toward him for long time. I am thankful him giving me such a memorable moment, making me felt not alone, happy, myself with him .I will never forget what we had and try to move on.